Book Shelf

In Scream-Free Parenting:  The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Runkel, the author aims to "calm the world, one relationship at a time."  Everyone wants cooperation, harmony, and peace in the family.  He claims that parents focus too much on their kids' behavior and end up feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and inadequate. 

Parents often get too emotionally reactive:  screaming, manipulating, neglecting, avoiding, withholding love, or being violent when things get tough.  Mr. Runkel feels that instead of trying to control their kids, parents should try to control themselves and their emotional reactions, and become a calming authority.  In order to be influential, parents need to be in control of themselves.  He suggests that parents don't try to control their kids' behavior, but instead, try to influence their decisions.

The author states that parents should inspire their kids to motivate themselves.  Forcing compliance teaches kids that force and power are the way to win.  Instead, the kids need to be allowed free choice in order to learn the connection between their own choices and the resulting consequences.  When kids are able to explore, experiment, make their own decisions, and make their own mistakes, then kids will learn to be self-directed and responsible.  Your being overly controlling can cause your kid to rebel or become a "passive robot."  Parents need to allow kids the freedom to choose their consequences, whether it means complying with your wishes or being given a time-out or a loss of privileges.

The author suggests that parents make their expectations and rules clear, without anger or anxiety.  They must command respect and expect obedience.  Parents should allow kids to learn by consequences and make sure that they follow through with the consequences.  Lastly, parents need to take care of themselves.  He suggests carving out time for a retreat so that you don't feel overwhelmed and want to escape.  This can be accomplished by exercise, a manicure, listening to music, meditation, or enjoying time with friends.

What do you think of his advice?

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The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield

A captivating tale, involving a young woman biographer contacted by a famous aging writer to write the story of her life.  The dying author is notorious for fabricating multiple versions of her life, and the young biographer must delve into the secrets of this woman’s past to find out the truth.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt

This is a suspenseful, dark story about a group of elite college students who study ancient Greek, and the outsider who wants to become one of them.  A terrible event occurs one night, and we see what lengths the students will go to keep their secret safe.

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

This riveting book tells the story of Mary Boleyn, the sister of Anne Boleyn--the lovely wife of King Henry VIII.  The story reveals the plotting by their father and uncle to gain power to the Boleyn family at the expense of the girls, who are pawns in a deadly game.  Young Mary becomes the King's mistress, but is cast aside as the King loses interest and becomes entranced with her beautiful sister, Anne.  We all know what becomes of Anne, but it's a fascinating journey until her end.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

This is an amazing story about 2 young boys, friends who grow up flying kites together in Afghanistan, like brothers.  Amir is the son of a wealthy businessman.  Hassan is the son of their servant.  A terrible thing happens to Hassan at the hands of some bullies, and Amir cannot overcome his guilt in the matter.  He eventually flees to the US with his father, but later returns to Afghanistan and confronts the past.

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

This book tells the absorbing tale of Dinah, the daughter of Leah and Jacob, who grows up in Biblical times and enters the red tent when she comes of age, to be introduced to the society of women. The story follows her life, falling in love with Shalem, and being betrayed by her brothers, before finally finding her calling in life. A very interesting look into the world of the women of those times. 

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon 

What a quirky little book--and really fun to read.  It's a mystery involving the death of a neighbor's dog, which a 15-year-old autistic boy is trying to figure out.  The story is written in his unique perspective.  During his investigation, he uncovers the secrets of his parents' unhappy marriage and the identity of the killer.

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

My all-time favorite book.  John Steinbeck writes with an amazing attention to detail.  His descriptions of the characters make them so real, you can truly visualize them, understand them, and feel like you know them.  There is the jealous rivalry between 2 twin brothers over a cold-hearted, evil woman, and then the story follows the lives of her 2 twin sons and their struggles with good vs. evil.  Fabulous read!  

What are your favorite novels? 

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In this fascinating book, Why Gender Matters:  What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the Emerging Science of Sex Differences, author Leonard Sax discusses the differences between girls and boys, how they are built differently and subsequently perceive, learn, and behave differently.  Here are just a few interesting topics covered: 

Apparently, girls’ hearing is more sensitive than boys’ at the frequencies required for speech.  This could be why teachers so often think that boys in their classrooms have ADHD. 

The female retina is wired to more cones, which detect texture and color.  The male retina is wired to more rods, which detect motion in black and white.  The author observes that newborn girls prefer to look at faces, while newborn boys prefer to look at mobiles.  Most girls like to draw people, pets, flowers, and trees in many (>10) warm (red, green, beige, brown) colors, while boys will often draw action scenes with rockets and cars in fewer (<6) colder colors (blue, gray, silver, black).  Also, girls often prefer to play with dolls and baby strollers, while boys often prefer balls, trains, and cars.  The author suggests that there could be a scientific basis for this.

The parts of the brain involved in language and fine motor skills mature earlier in girls.  The parts of the brain involved in targeting and spatial memory mature earlier in boys.  Some boys are not ready for reading and writing in Kindergarten.  Boys and girls can learn the same things, but they learn best in different ways.  The author feels that single-sex schools could be a better choice for our kids.

Dr. Sax covers a number of other topics, including risk-taking, aggression, sex, drugs, and discipline, citing differences between boys and girls, and how best to guide them individually, as parents.

What gender differences do you see in your kids?

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In the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, the author cites sleep deprivation as a major problem for today's overscheduled kids.   In a child, inadequate sleep can lead to drowsiness or hyperalertness, inattention, and decreased concentration.  It can cause laziness, impulsiveness, difficult mood, and hard-to-control behavior.  Kids can even get frequent headaches or vague abdominal pain.  They may experience decreased energy, grumpiness, excitability, irritability, or tenseness.  Poor sleep leads to increased adrenaline and cortisol.  No wonder these kids are so cranky!   

Dr. Weissbluth maintains that parents can often create sleep problems for their kids if sleep times are inconsistent and regular sleep habits aren't developed.  Kids will often fight sleep in order to keep playing.  If sleep is postponed for too long, kids may become too tired to fall asleep.  Crying may be due to just being overtired. 

Naps are felt to be most effective when they occur at the right time and in the crib or bed.  Sleep quality is felt to be poor in cars, swings, strollers, rocking chairs, and arms.  The author recommends that parents start sleep training early and use a sleep log.  Parents should put the child to sleep in a quiet, dark room with no lights or music.  When it's time to sleep, parents should not respond to every cry.  They need to allow the child to learn to fall asleep unassisted.  However, if a child misses a nap, parents should keep the child awake until next sleep period to maintain the sleep rhythm.

Various sleep problems are discussed in the book, along with many possible solutions.  We found that sticking to a sleep routine worked well for us in minimizing our kids' behavior problems and in keeping our kids happy.

How do you deal with your child's sleep problems?

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Amy Tan

The Joy Luck Club  This is a wonderful book which focuses on the strong emotions and complex relationships between 4 Chinese mothers and their Chinese-American daughters. It’s a well-written story, true to the heart, and a total tear-jerker.  It’s a must-read!

The Kitchen God’s Wife  This is another of Tan’s books that focuses on the relationship between a Chinese mother and her Chinese-American daughter.  Only after years of hiding secrets of hardship and loss can the mother finally tell her story to her daughter.  It’s a really engaging story and well worth reading.

Ha Jin

Waiting  This slow-paced, yet absorbing read is about a Chinese army doctor bound to a simple country woman by an arranged marriage.  He falls passionately in love with a nurse, but is unable to divorce his wife without her consent until they are separated for 18 years.  A compelling story.

Pearl S. Buck

The Good Earth  This novel tells the story of the hard life of a farmer and his family in old China.  It is told in simple language, but gives us remarkable insight into the peasant life of China in those times.

Lisa See

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan  This novel is about the life of a young girl and her lifelong friend, growing up in old China, where girls had their feet bound, marriages were arranged by matchmakers, and women had their own secret language.  It's a well-written story that gives us an interesting look into that time period. 

Xinran Xue

The Good Women of China  This book is a collection of personal stories told by Chinese women in all walks of life.  These stories of tragedy and hardship were gathered by the author while working at a Nanjing radio station, where she was broadcasting "Words on the Night Breeze".  It's a deeply-moving account of the lives of many of these women, whose stories would otherwise never have been told.

For more information about Asian writers, check out The Asian American Writers' Workshop.

Who are your favorite Asian writers?

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